Paul Payne's Summer Party I

12 Guys, 12 Girls - no its not some sick new game show or social experiment, its this years summer garden party to be seen at and you've all kindly accepted my invitation. Well it'll be worth it. The guys - all known for their charm, charisma & wit, the girls - their elegance, sophistication & style.

A few further details to be found below. Namely questions I have already been asked regarding the event. I thought I would share them with you all just in case other people were wondering the same things...

What can I expect ?

Well in order of appearance, Sunshine, BBQ Lunch, drinks, laughter, taxing topics, shots, moonlight, spirits by the bottle, music, dancing and maybe just a little flirting.

Who'll be there ?

People that you already know, and people you'll be glad you've met come the end of the night. All handpicked by Nottingham's Premier Social Review Board. Expect faces from Experian, NTL, Black Box, IBM, Britannia Airways & ..... Barnsley (community outreach etc..)

What do I have to bring ?

Yourselves and a smile. That's all.

Will there be enough alcohol ?

Peter Stringfellow once said "If you go to a party, and the barman doesn't leave the bottle with you, its not a real party" I share his sentiment.

I'm a lesbian, does that present a problem ?

Absolutely not. Lesbians are as welcome as anyone else on the guest list. The Nottingham Social Review Board does not discriminate against women who have chosen to show close affection amongst their best friends.

I think I might be a lesbian, is that ok ?

Again, yes - if you are at a difficult stage and curious or uncertain as to your female sexuality, come along. The Nottingham Social Review Board is here to help.

I thought it would be fun if my close curious friend and I arrived dressed as schoolgirls, is this ok ?

Yes.

Will Duncan get naked again ? I missed it last time.

Possibly. Duncan is known for his low tolerance when it comes to alcohol consumption and given the supply available on the evening a repeat of Andorra's performance may well be made available on the night for those who missed it the first time. Failing that, the photos from the previous occasion will be available on wide screen throughout the evening.

Why have you invited people from Barnsley ? Doesn't this present a health hazard ?

Whilst it is widely accepted that our friends from across the foot & mouth border can present significant bio-hazards, the three attendees from said "danger area" have been well vetted and indeed quarantined / observed in Andorra for 7 days with only a few abnormal traits observed.

I'm still not convinced. Will I pick up an accent ?

No. The maximum duration of the party would be 15 hours. You should be safe. In the unlikely event that anyone becomes infected, elocution lessons will be available free of charge.

I have an elegant, sophisticated, stylish friend, can I bring him / her along ?

If you let me know if advance then yes. Otherwise no.

I'm not sophisticated. Will your sophisticated friends be able to cope with me, my loud voice and Barnsley accent ?

Everyone has to make compromises in life, and yes, people will be willing to forgive and forget the seemingly illiterate drones from those less fortunate for just one evening.

Surely you haven't really got a hot tub ?

I do and yes it will be installed ready to go for the party. Heated to 26 Degrees - 24 individual jets relax and invigorate you whilst you and 6 new found close friends sip your way though the Champaign available from the on-board bar. Or you can just splash around drunk like a fool. Thong bikini's are optional.

Who's Coming ?

Peter Dingwall, Darren Brown, Yook Cheung, Duncan Moutrie, Gavin Westwood, Roger Dingley, Keith Rodgers, Andrea Smith, Lynsey Cutler, Nicola Peake, Seema Minstry, Rebecca Hirst +1, Tegan Brown, Sarah Lee, Sam Hobbs, Michelle Bust +2.

Who ??

Peter Dingwall - The Social Godfather of Nottingham. Experians very own 'IT' boy.
Darren Brown - How Darren maintains his CCIE Accreditation & manages to drink as much as he does is amazes me..
Yook Cheung - Champion snowboarder / Experians latest recruit.
Duncan Moutrie - Get's naked at Parties.
Gavin Westwood - Nottingham's Mr Darcy.
Roger Dingley - Ain't nothing this man can't drink.
Keith Rodgers - Ain't nothing this man can drink.
Andrea Smith - Taught Lynsey everything she knows.
Lynsey Cutler - Expert Ski-er, Boarder, Drinker, Entertainer.. ..
Nicola Peake - Think Demi More, Disclosure meets Sharon Stone Bas. Instinct.
Seema Minstry - The second half of the Sam / Seema get drunk, fall over team.
Rebecca Hirst - Tolerant. Attentive. Stunning. Funny. Daydreams of becoming the next Jackie Collins.
Tegan Brown - Very attractive, very Australian, very unavailable.
Sarah Lee - The reason for Tegans unavailability.
Sam Hobbs - The first half of the Sam / Seema get drunk, fall over team.
Michelle Bust - Party fuel.
Paul Payne - Your Host

What ? That's only 19 people ! What happened to the other 5 ?

These are names only of people who have confirmed. I am still awaiting replies from the remaining few.

Have these Barnsley Visitors had a 10 year work history / criminal record check carried out ? I don't want to end up being robbed.

CCTV has been installed (no, really) and can be used in any legal proceedings. They seemed ok last time I met them.

Is it ok if we are all sex starved nymph's who cant take our drink ?

Quite possibly my favourite question this one. The short answer is yes Nicola, that's fine. Come round and feast your little heart out.